CSI Cyberand the Sick Killshot Ratio of Death

Most CBS procedurals skew buttoned-down — this is , after all , the meshing that gave us NCIS , basically a military police porno for old people — but last night ’s episode of CSI : Cyber was like an hour - farsighted PSA co - write by Glenn Beck , the Concerned Mothers Against Video Games , and my mamma after my sidekick almost fail AP French when he would n’t stop playing WoW.

“ The on-line gaming world is a haven for predators , paedophile , sex activity offenders , and radicalizers , ” Special Agent Avery Ryan ( played , as always , by Oscar Winner ™ Patricia Arquette ) tell her squad as they cannonball along to ascertain a rogue gamer seducing youths into accelerator pedal trafficking and the cold , analogue hired hand of DEATH .

Our sequence open with a gamer boy circumstantially photograph himself with a accelerator pedal that he ’s delivering at the behest of a fellow first - person shooter partizan , prompt our gang to go the Cybercrime Sirens .

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“ There ’s a part of the net where multitude can remain anon. . It ’s called the rich web , and we intend your son had access to it , ” Avery explains to the bushed kid ’s parent , as though Tor is somehow difficult to download .

“ We had strict rules about what he could mail , and what sites he could call ! ! ! ” the dead kid ’s dad laments . This is just the beginning of an episode sagging under the exercising weight of its bulging boner for preachify about the dangers of video games .

“ As an avid gamer , I have it off playin ’ online , but as a parent … . ” Mundo says , dropping some Concerned Gamer Dad torture about strange danger on Krummy that may have been copied and pasted from Tipper Gore ’s therapist - prescribed nightmare diary .

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“ No parent would allow their minor to go alfresco and play with a 45 - twelvemonth - old stranger ! ” Avery yells . “ But this happen every Clarence Day ! ”

Krummy somehow extract audio recording of gamers live - chatting from a picture game console ( ? ) and the work party realizes the Gamer Killer ( nefarious handle : Viper75 ) earn the trust of children by hacking them , stealing all their sweet digital gaming accoutrements , and then offering them some of their lost armor back for free , if they ’ll only please in secret deliver software system to random locations .

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The computer software stop grease-gun , for kill purposes . The first stagnant son , Spencer , accidentally shot himself with one of the accelerator pedal , but the sea wolf is actually trying to murder the great unwashed nearby the dip sites . Shortly after the deadened youngster kill himself , the Orcinus orca end up shoot his original target .

The mob examine to figure out who the killer is and why he ’s roping in an United States Army of GamerBoi Soldiers , but GameVex wo n’t give them access to the account , which leads to this priceless exchange between Sifter and Avery :

“ Ever since Snowden go rascal , these lil tech house have become obsess with privacy ”

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“ say that to Spencer ’s parent . ”

It ’s hard not to put every line of dialog in italics , because that is how they are extradite .

Despite technical school companies having a bug up their butts about , uh , not fork over exploiter personal customer data without a stock warrant , our gang manages to see out the identicalness of another one of the youthful gamers seduce by the weird erstwhile net man . Of of course he ’s turn into a full sociopath due to excessive gaming and shows zero remorse about delivering weapons lead in homicide !

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“ It ’s no big deal ! ” he says , as his dad look on in repulsion .

The dead - souled child is a dead close , but do n’t worry , they line up other gas pedal trafficking recruits almost right away . They tag a teen down and he injures himself trying to jump across a roof , a move he thought he could execute because he ’d done it before….in video games .

If you thought the most derisory part of this episode was Sifter blaming Snowden for not being able to get a deranged gamer killer , or the show assuming that gamers are stupid enough to call up their digital superpower expand into the real human beings , you ’re unseasonable !

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Here ’s the most absurd part about this instalment :

The gang realizes that they can guess where the killer live because they have three packages he transmit , all from a county in Florida . They settle the near way to nail him is to make a fake on-line newsworthiness clause about the murders and insert a “ supercookie ” tracking malware into the article , giving them access to the web browsing habits of everyone who clicks on it .

This is n’t the most technologically improbable thing this show has done — at all ! — view the FBIhas really done tinker’s dam like this . But there ’s not even a discussion of getting warrants for incredibly invasive bulk data collection .

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Also , of course , Sifter does n’t even know what a supercookie is , and is DUMBFOUNDED by how it play . ( “ What is that insanity ? ” he says , looking at the dubiously legal dragnet surveillance he ’s authorized . )

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The supercookie works almost immediately , and they line the baddie to a public library in Tampa , Florida . THEN they somehow they get from Washington , DC to Tampa , Florida before the bad guy logs off from his session at the public library , which makes no darned sensory faculty , not only because most program library internet booth have time limits but because a non - stop trajectory is 2 hours and 15 minutes , plus travel on both ends , plus corralling a backup squad .

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I have it away I should n’t get hung up about stuff like logistics in an episode so stuffed with hysteric narrative , but for god ’s sake , HOW DID THEY GET TO FLORIDA ?

Also , the guy they arrest is n’t the killer ? It ’s another bozo who is picking up the last gun shipped to Chicago . Avery confronts him in a darken alley , bluster in and standing there cooly as he examine to shoot her — somehow she and Mundo had meter to get to the cliff site and remove all the bullets from the gun , I really do n’t know . Then they finally arrest the right someone .

THEN they have some dogshit meeting where they pride themselves for put away a murderer , and just to puddle the show ’s thus - far incessant accusation of the morality of gamers , they play video games themselves .

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